Two ways to live

As far as I understand, there are 2 ways to live.

[!note]
ik False Dilemma . But bear with me I wrote this a while ago and I swear I have somthing to say.

With ambition and without ambition. With dreams, like every other shonen protagonist and like Denji.

I am halfway through Chainsaw Man , and it has moved me to an extent where I am forced to rethink how I view my life as a whole.

This is not a post analyzing or breaking apart Chainsaw Man. I would hate that.

This is rather an exploration of how I am living my life right now, and how this beautiful piece of literature forced me to rethink that.

I have a goal, and I am working my ass off to try and achieve it. I have given up on a bunch of things to get even a little close to it.

As I am right now, I would not call myself happy. I am excited, yes. But not particularly happy. I am not doing what I would like to do. I am trying to elevate myself to be better. To know more. To achieve more. Sacrificing today’s peace of mind for tomorrow’s happiness.

Living in the future in a way.

That sounds scary.

Not a whole lot of things scare me, but picturing myself on my deathbed, regretting the way I lived my life certainly tops the list.

That is your average anime shonen protagonist sans the self-doubt.

That looks like a cool way to live from the surface. Chasing after an impossible dream, achieving it after going through a whole lot of hardships, and being content afterward.

But reading Chainsaw Man taught me another way to live.

No dreams, no ambitions. Go through every day like it’s your last, eat good food, sleep and repeat.

Denji isn’t tied down by anything. He does what he wants to do. No chasing after an ideal. Not trying to be the strongest. Just living the life he wants (kinda).

It’s almost like it’s trying to say, you aren’t going to achieve your ambitious goal anyway, so why not mess around and just do what you want??

I hate that. I hate that thought. I hate it very much.

But I can’t stop myself from thinking about it. It does kinda make sense right?

It is also true that if I don’t have unwavering faith in myself, I will not be able to accomplish my dreams, I can’t let that self-doubt creep in. But what if that self-doubt makes sense??

What if it’s a fair criticism of the way I live? Reading Chainsaw Man felt like that.

I had figured out a while back the best way to live life is to be happy in the moment. Because no matter what happens in life, Nothing matters in the long run. No one matters, Nothing anyone does is going to matter.

Ik that sounds depressing, but it isn’t far from the truth.

Live to make yourself and the people you care about happy. I think that’s the best way to live. Cause happiness feels good. Feeling good is the best we can do.

Seems like I had forgotten that.

It makes no sense to embark on a maybe impossible journey if you are not happy during it. That is just torture and that will come back after 5 years as regret.

I realized again, that I don’t have to be anyone. I don’t have to achieve anything. I just have to be happy. Whatever ideal I am chasing, will not matter.

I will still go behind my goals. But I will no longer give it my all.

I will try my best.

The difference between them (personally), is I will not force myself to do it. I will find a balance between what I want to do and what I have to do.

That is the best I can do. That is how I think, (at least as of this moment), I will minimize regrets.

Also, Chainsaw Man is epic. Go give it a read.